My third year of teaching was incredibly difficult! I honestly wanted to quit almost daily and looked for escape routes on a weekly basis. Some days, I looked for different jobs, thought about going back to serving tables, getting licensed for Massage Therapy in New York, looked at more degree programs, and tried to write a best-seller as fast as I possibly could (ha).
I had difficult classroom dynamics in a few of my classes and my schedule felt all over the place last year. I had not taught the same classes in the three years I had been teaching so I was writing 4 curriculums at once while trying to manage grading, parent contact, classroom management, materials management, emails, meetings, planning, trying to be there for students who for reasons I will never know; chose me as their favorite teacher. And when you are a favorite, they want to be around you every moment. So they come to you every free period (and sometimes try to skip math class) every chance they had. Just to go home and try your best to have the mental bandwidth to raise two toddlers who deserve me at my best. And I hate to admit, didn’t get it. Each of those being a full workload themselves.
I get up and write at 4:30 am. When I’m not writing, I feel as though it is a transgression against myself and my spirit deflates a little. Needless to say, it creates long days. If I didn’t fall asleep putting the girls to bed, I would dive into bed as if it was a lifeline after snacking on carbs for cheap energy of course. I am only human and needed to escape it all just to get 30 minutes to myself.
I knew my struggle wasn’t because I have poor work ethic. I knew it wasn’t because I was terrible at the skills required to be a teacher. But I constantly felt like I was failing. Albeit, I certainly have weaknesses. And I had to find them. I get overstimulated easily. A class of 22, even when they’re all on task can feel like a lot happening at once. When I worked in Massage and Physical Therapy, I worked with one patient at a time with meditation music playing in the background. Needless to say, my brain became wired for much smaller, in-depth interactions. I am also very laid back and open which means I can let things go without realizing I am setting myself up for chaos later. It is a trait I have to be aware of while working with teenagers. They are sort of like toddlers, but know more. They will still test you, see what they can get away with, and manipulate a situation to serve their own intentions. Which of course, is completely developmentally expected. Meanwhile, I am just trying to juggle it all while showing up for them as best I can. But my tendency towards openness and agreeability makes rigidity something I have to consciously pursue.
If there are a few paint brushes in the sink, it’s easy for me to wash them. But it tells the one kid who left it there, that it’s OK to leave it there. Then another kid does it, and I teach that kid the same thing, then another, and so on. Until it’s June and no one is doing their part in the studio and everything is a mess. And I am doing way too much. People who peruse jobs like teaching are naturally doers, so doing something like rinsing a brush is not a big deal in those micro moments throughout the day. But the hardest boundaries to set are the ones you never held people to. Even if it is something as simple as taking care of a paintbrush they used.
Teaching is like parenting in many ways. You have to show kids that they are essential to the home, or in a teacher's case; the classroom. And it’s not a big deal if one paintbrush is left behind on a random Monday. But correcting it matters. Because Monday becomes Tuesday. And those days become every Friday, and then weeks pass, and so on. Teaching, like parenting, (and arguably every thing else) is a constant compound effect. If you let things go, you will have hell to pay.
Lessons were certainly learned. These make me a better parent. It brings awareness to things I would not have noticed or perhaps even instilled in my own children had I not been bombarded with twenty-two of them at a time. And then twenty more forty minutes later. I have committed to figuring out what I can do to change. Mostly because I never want to be in some of the situations I have found myself in in the past. Even if it is something as silly as being buried in dirty paintbrushes at 3:30pm while everyone else heads home without any awareness that someone else is cleaning up their mess so they can have a clean space to create something the next day. But I do mind, because I am busy and have cleaned my fair share of paintbrushes. And it piles up. Choosing what goes against my laid back nature is something I have to constantly attend to. Because resentment can occur. And resentment is always an issue with boundaries. And boundaries are in the vein of truth.
Speaking of boundaries, I went to admin about my schedule to address the things we might be able to change. I told them the truth about some of my struggles. It’s so easy to sugar coat things to your boss and say everything is fine while you cry yourself to sleep later, or have a panic attach. My schedule was a constant state of whiplash. I told them what my day looked like; switching between the studio and computer lab. Back and forth all day long in hoping they would take my ask for help in a constructive way. Laying it out on the table; here is who I am, here is how I serve, and here is what I need to thrive here.
My principal is one of the best a teacher could have and he supported me. I was dreading this year. And then I was excited for the new schedule where my studio classes were in the morning and my computer lab classes were in the afternoon. Furthermore, now I know that making a student clean their paintbrush is loving them. It reveals to them that they are essential to the classroom. We need them to make art class enjoyable. And vocalizing what I needed to have the bandwidth to do my job well was and is essential for me to make sure I am loving my students well. Teaching at its core, is loving someone in action. Students need accountability. Teachers (and parents for that matter) need to be aware of the micro moments that enforce accountability that leads to good character. Otherwise we will all be buried in dirty paintbrushes wondering what we are going to use to paint a better horizon.