Josh and I got married on October 19th. It was such a perfect day. It was so nice to see people who have been a part of my life and all the things that led me to Josh. It was like a tapestry of life woven together by appreciation and love.
Anyway, it reminded me of how this summer I went through some resentment to a degree that I have never felt before. And with that, logistics and emotions were battling each other within me. So much so that I honestly didn’t want to be around people. And when I was, I was pretty shut down. I’m such a seeker of justice that it can sometimes cloud the truth. It all faded this fall and the excitement of our wedding replaced it and I had forgotten about it. But seeing parts of myself through those who show up had reminded me of that struggle. And seeing people show up to honor Josh and me was healing and affecting.
I wanted to cut people out when I saw any indication that someone else had something without working hard for it. Or taking from someone else’s work without bringing it out on their own grind. But severing relationships is not the most noble way to go about shedding my own skin. Because if I know anything about projecting, I am who I am looking at, here. It isn’t my place to judge what’s difficult for others and force narratives that somehow make my struggle more difficult than someone else’s to somehow claim justice in my own life. Because the truth is, we are all trying our best. What seems to come easy to some people has always seemed impossible to me. And because of that, I put people who can do what I cannot on a higher standard. But not everyone has to waste time to think and write and psychoanalyze everything. Not everyone pulls their car over to write poems just to throw them away when the notebook piles get too high. Then hates themself for not being able to attain anything to show on a ledgar. For the record, I don't do that anymore. Throw out poems.
Anyway. I had been thinking about how to redefine the structure and form of relationships. Not everyone has to change or grow in the same way or at the same pace or within the same timeframe as me. They don't have to show up for an inner world where everything demands to align. I want to examine my truest motives and gain an understanding of what sort of connection with each person fits. Not over- extending to them at the expense of myself or my family. And make sure I am not servicing myself at their expense. Knowing the narrative I have about some easy street they're on isn't real. It is just my own grief masked in resentment and trying to find something effortless in my own life. I want to find the sweet spot. Where I feel good about my exchange within the balance of those things through the highest perspective.
And, I am finding, there are realms I am good at. I have always been better at what isn't tangible. I find that manifest in my relationship with Josh and our girls. I have found it in friendships that have lasted for years and from all parts of my life. Most of my close relationships are smooth and uncomplicated. They are stable and true. I know that I am lucky that I have what I have in those realms. And not every single person has to be that close and integral. True relationships are not volatile. They're enduring and constant. But they can look different too.