Namaste

Namaste

I was about 28 here in this picture. Doing yoga all the time. Running, swimming, walking around and breathing seamlessly. Here, I was about to go surfing! I actually hurt my knee that day and that was the beginning of my downfall in body. And of mind.  It is funny how when you see health through the lens of health, you think that a strong body equates to a strong mind. Your energy feels good. Your mind feels good. It was so easy getting in shape from the starting point of my three-sport, athletic youth. Even if I took several months off from working out consistently which would happen from time to time. 

I recently went to a hot yoga class. I knew I was going to be distracted. I knew it wasn't going to be like it was when I was twenty-eight. I committed to not even attempting camel pose. That one always got me. Even when I could do it; I hated it. Camel is when you bend backwards with your heart wide open, fully exposed and vulnerable. I remember my cynicism saying, No thanks. I would rather have a hump on my back. 

I lost focus about half way through the class. My attention wandered around. I took drink breaks. I laid on my back during poses I just didn't really want to attempt yet. When I was finished, one of the yoga instructors said, "You'll get there." As if I felt shame around the fact that I wasn't "there" yet. And there was a time I would have felt shame if I wasn't within the top 5% of people in a fitness class.  And here, I was the worst in the class for certain. But it didn't bother me at all where it would have when I looked like this picture and was strong.

Strength of mind has come from the weakest parts of my life. When you are grabbing at the walls screaming for mercy in the depths of long winter nights. And then when mercy refuses to come, you wish for death just for a moment of relief. You don't know strength of mind until you have been ripped apart from the insides while your world crumbles around you. It was so easy for me to walk into a yoga studio when I was fit and thin, thinking strength comes from strength. But strength is when you manage to crawl your way out of the chokehold of vulnerability. I didn't say all this, of course. Knowing is OK to be kept quiet sometimes. It is shame you need to expose to the light. 

Namaste. 

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1 comment

I love this so much.

Hannah

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