I have had a strange relationship with suffering. I always thought that if I worked on myself, I could hold more. Which would in turn, help me become more. I wanted to be this authentic individual who could be myself in any situation or any circumstance. I sought enlightenment thinking that would allow me to make absolutely anything work. But of course I wanted that to be true. Because it’s such an easy way out. It is passivity camouflaged by hard work. And hard work is a badge of honor where I come from. And who among us doesn't want to be honorable?
What I found was that as I step more into who I truly want to become, or perhaps who I always was, the environment that doesn’t align with this person becomes extremely uncomfortable. And what doesn’t fit, becomes more clear. I recognize the wrong direction more quickly now than I ever have before. And up until recently, I would force the path so I didn't have to turn around or admit I was on the wrong locomotive.
Forcing the notion that if I could just carry more, if I just learn how to be better in wherever life leads, I can build what I need to when I arrive there. Or get rid of what I need to when I arrive. And arrival always felt like it had something to do with writing. Unfortunately, this is not how it all works.
Part of commitment to truth is recognizing falsehoods more quickly. And what’s more, I have to commit to turning around as soon as I recognize it. Which also means I may not be on the right track all the time. I still find myself with people who don’t understand me or paths that seem really amazing and bright, but still are not fit for me. Which is the opposite of what I thought was true for a long time.
Truth is a commitment. Daily. Constantly. In every single way. And in every single day. And when a wrong path is recognized, turning around isn’t easy. There are people who will be let down. And some who might think you are a little crazy when they watch you jump off a shiny train that has a clear destination only to get on one you have to build yourself while also laying out the tracks. Even when you spent a lot of time earning the pretty penny for a ticket to get on the former.
Truth is when your soul stands up when the engine is hot and everyone is settled into their seats and you have to admit you're in the wrong place. And worse, the only choice you have is that they have to let you off or you have to jump off. But that’s the nature of allowing your heart to follow what is true. It pumps road maps to our veins. Which becomes the only vessel you have to follow, regardless of what all of the road signs say. The path is as narrow as the tiniest vessels that carries life to our bones. But it leads us to the conditions where this commitment creates a place worthwhile for our souls to live in union with the physical realm we all must contend with. This, I think, is what is meant by the narrow gate. First you have to commit to it. Then You have to stay on it. And it’s surrounded by much easier streets. If practiced, you still might take a few wrong turns to lead there. But you must commit to it and follow what it tells you. And as you show your spirit that you are willing to follow directions, no matter the culture of pragmatics, a compass begins to appear. And then True North becomes the pull that guides you. As we embrace the truth of who we are, who we are not falls away more effortlessly.
Having said all that, I decided to leave teaching. I was trying so hard to make it until the end of this year. But as I formulated my exit plan it became more clear that I needed to get off right now. I loved a lot about teaching. Writing curriculum was my jam, my colleagues were absolutely some of the best people I will ever work with, and some of my students are like children to me. Once someone is your student, you become invested in their future. I feel this way about all of my students. Even the ones who I could not reach as eadult as others.
The things required to be a good teacher seemed to align so perfectly with who I am and what I am about. And these things made me question this undeniable urge to leave. But there were things I was really bad at and I don't think I have the capacity to be any other way. I am really bad with transitions when I am deep into something. Especially something creative. The constant interruptions and having to remain present at the surface is something I cannot do. I was constantly going against my own nature which was draining me fast; a hemorrhage in my energy tank. I stopped having the bandwidth to be present with the students who wanted guidance. I stopped being a good mom. And I couldn't manage my household well.
I have never experienced this type of desolation before. Because it contradicted what I was feeling about the horizon. I have never been so at peace with the future. I am so excited for what is to come that I wake up early, happily, and without an alarm just to get working towards it. But the constant demands of teaching made me feel stuck even though I was constantly doing, working, and pushing to do it well. And no matter what I did, I couldn't remain present when I was in a class full of students. It made me become anxious which made me dread any interaction with kids. And that was an energy I could not allow myself to contribute to a school. Or anyplace for that matter. So I resigned without another job lined up. Which is terrifying, of course. But I have never felt so calm within uncertainty. Because there is certainty in knowing that I am committed to the truth of becoming. I may not speak its language fluently now, but I will learn the language of my soul. It has been calling for quite some time now.
I feel compelled to leave you with this excerpt from chapter 7 in Matthew. Matthew is the first book in the New Testament in the Christian text known as The Bible. The Bible is the best-selling book in the world. So as someone who wants to write books; I am taking notes.
"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."